Friday, 20 January 2012

Ana journal; Day 3

Friday 20th of January 2012
I know that its not even half way through the day but i felt like typing up something, so why not my journal.
Its is now 12:17pm which means that i have been fasting for 51 hours and 17 minutes, and therefore there is 28 hours and 43 minutes to go until i reach my last fasting record. This time I am using certain techniques to make it seem, to the people around me, that im eating insteading of just acting ill like i used to. Yesterday i cooked a big meal of pasta and seperated it into multiple containers so that its easy to just heat up and take it into my room. A few mintues ago i scooped out a bunch of it into a bowl and added it to my hoarding bag, i left a little bit in the bowl and placed it by the sink so that my granparents think i have eaten. I feel kind of bad about wasting the food but i cant make myself eat any of it. Food in general repulses me. The only things that are tempting nowadays are all fruits that are in my fridge. There is watermelon, pineapple, rockmelon, apples, nectarines and peaches. YUM.
But i WILL NOT give in, I WILL NOT let Ana down. She has helped me get this far already i can not give up. Its kind of strange but i cant even really imagine giving up. This is my lifestyle. A life without food is so satisfying and rewarding. Its exciting to know that i am able to achieve things that many others cant. I am, however, still feeling extremely far away from my next goal, which is 110lbs and 10lbs away from now.
I was pretty diappointed that I didnt get my exercise bike yesterday, unfortuantely i have to wait until monday. I wonder if i can fast until i get it.. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED! ;D HOW EXCITING!! Woop, woop!
On another happy not I have a new friend on Twitter, her name is Fayth and she is lovely. We talk online for ages about all the tricks and secret things we do. Its weird that someone so far away and so different to me can actually be really similar. Its nice to have someone that actually understands what im going through. Its not easy, you know. I hate lying to and decieving my family and friends. Its not something i would ever do, especially to such extremes but i cant help it. I cannot risk having Ana disappear from my life again. I am nothing without her, and even if life was good without Ana i still wouldnt want it. I love how content i am when shes around. Im having so much trouble with my psychologists at the moment, they keep shifting me from person to person, but thank god no one has mentioned my weight. I refuse to mention any thing of Ana to them because i know they will try to take her away from me. I know that lots of people hate Ana and what she does to people, but i dont. She is the only thing that keeps me going, keeps me alive each day. I hate waking up each day, i hate acting like everything in my head is all better and that i am happy because the truth is im not. I think of death everyday, multiple times a day. I think of how great nothingness would be, how i wouldnt feel pain or depressed. I would just be .. gone.
I hope this remains secret because i would be locked back up in a mental ward for sure if someone read this. But I dont even care, as long as i have Ana and my Ana sisters by my side, i will be happy, well as happy as i can get in this hell hole they call 'Earth'.
Even though the numbers on the scales are going down i dont feel as though i look any different. I still have a bulging belly, no thigh gap and no visable hip bones. Hopefull after this fast i will be able to notice a change, but so far i see nothing. Yuck, i wish losing weight could give me a beautiful face, but no matter how skinny i get i will still be stuck with this ugly one.
Anyway, thats my little entry for the day. It only took me an hour to type it, haha. Im currently waiting for the gardener to mow the back lawn then im headed to the library to use the net and look for some thinspiring books. I cant wait. I love reading about Ana, I love watching shows about Ana and i love listening to music about Ana. My life doesnt revolve around her, my life is Ana!
Thanks again for reading my blabbing :)

Thursday, 19 January 2012

Ana journal; Day 2

Thursday the 19th of January 2012
Today is the begining of the harder stuff. I started fasting at 9:00 am yesterday and my goal is to reach atleast 80 hours but its going to be tough with Sue and Dennis around. To start the plans i did my first big hoard last night. It sounds kind of sad, but i actually really enjoyed it. It was such an adreniline rush! I went through the freezer, fridge and cupboard removing food to make it look like i ate a decent amount whilst they were gone. Today i made a sandwhich and  ripped the crust off and left some of that on a plate near the sink so it looks like i ate lunch but really i put it in with the rest of the hoarded food. Tonight i am hopefully getting an exercise bike, and i am planning to keep it in my room so no one knows how often i work out. I plan to spend a lot of time on it, walking and exercise bikes are my favourite types of fitness. If its in my room i can even be on it whilst watching movies or reading. I can workout all day if i want to! So exciting.
This morning i weighed in at 54.7kg, which isnt really good but better then a gain. After i had weighed myself I went for a walk in the 30-something degree heat to get my tablets. At first i felt really faint, like i was going to collapse at any moment, but i soldiered on and then had a coffee and now im feeling great!
Except for my nerves, they are up in the air at the moment. I want to lose weight but i dont want people to notice! I want to eat what i want and when i want, and exercise when i want but if people notice somethings up im going to be fucked and stopped for sure.
Im sure that Ana speaks more truth and a lot louder then anyone else though so i would kind of like to see them try to stop us.
Over the past 20-something hours i have only consumed liquids and the liquids consist of; Diet Sodas; Instant Coffee and my second best friend WATER! During this time i have been chain smoking pretty intensely but i have cut back now because i dont want to be like that. I want to get fit, not cancer. Im just so bored, its getting too hot to do much exercise outside so im very iritable and that leads to more smoking. Gah!
 I can spend so much time on twitter talking to the girls, sharing thinspo and reviewing weights. Its good to have support even though they're so far away. I love them all :) <3 All my Ana sisters are so helpful. The ones that are actually Ana are inspiring and the ones that arent doing well, binging or giving up to soon, remind myself that i dont want to feel conquered by food, its disgusting. People are revolting, i dont understand how people that are over weight can go on living each day. I put on .5kg and i freak out completely and find ways to punish myself, yet these fattys just keep getting bigger, EW!

Wednesday, 18 January 2012

Ana Journal ; Day 1

Today is the 18th of January 2012 and is the year to end all years.
This feels kind of strange to me at the moment as i havent writen any kind of journal in quite a while but i thought it was a good time to restart.
Recently i have fell back into, what i call, my blackhoe. My blackhole is a depressive state i tend to fall into quite often. I get depressed to the point where i cant bring myself to leave my bedroom and my sheer hatred for life grows. I often wonder; how is it fair that happy people with loving families and a life to be proud of die, yet i still live? It doesnt make sense to me at all. I hope for death, heck sometimes i even pray for it. However before i die, i want to lose some weight. I refuse to die FAT!
Nine days ago i welcomed Ana back into my life with open arms. Up until then i hadnt realized how much weight i had actually put on. I was at my largest at 59.5kg and through tough regimes i am now 5kg lighter. However that is still not enough to be satisfied with yet. I have re-introduced myself to the Ana world and i am enjoying it even more then last time. I am socialising with other people like me and we all get along because we share a mission. We share goals and secrets with each other. We can tell each other anything, because they are feeling and doing the same things as me. If i was to tell someone else those things i wouldnt be treated the same because they dont understand how much I love Ana, and how much she loves me.
I finally got around to making an Ana bracelet which i wear with pride on my left wrist. I have gone through my ipod list and found that almost any song can be related to Ana if shes in your head loud enough. I love going to the fridge and hearing her say 'No' and reminding me of all the calories that are just waiting to become fat. I love; the feeling of an empty stomach, and the rumbles are no longer painful and annoying, they feel more like a celebration full of applause; watching the numbers on the scale slowly get smaller and smaller; feeling my clothes get slightly baggy and i love the feeling of saying no. To me Ana is about control. Its not just becoming thin, its having the control to be thin. Im not so bothered about actually losing weight, its knowing that i have the strength to do what many others cant. The big wide world can be a scary place for anyone. Its full of unpredictability and so may unknowns. However in Ana's world it doesnt matter, the only thing that does is staying strong against disgusting habits and proving that you have what it takes to call her a friend. Some people think her rules are tough and unhealthy but i dont see it that way. She only speaks the truth. She doesnt make things up or twist things around she just helps you become more aware of the things around you and how they affect your body. The hardest thing about Ana has nothing to do with cravings or hunger, its about keeping her secret and not letting anyone know what we are doing.
I have been fasting for almost 6 hours, and my goal this time is to reach 80hours. Its going to be tough but im just going to pretend im going out for dinner with friends and make some mess in the kitchen every now and then to keep people off my back.  During a fast I allow myself tea and coffee as they are good for your metabolism, and sometimes as a treat i allow myself diet sodas.
Im also making a thinsp book which keeps my mind busy and inspires me to keep in control.
I have been getting really bad cramps the last few days so i havent been excercising as much as i know i should but to help things along im restricting my water consumption and i moved my whole room around, which was pretty exhausting in itself.
Well that was my first journal entry, of many im  sure.
Now time for another coffee and a smoke :)
Chao for now xx

Thursday, 12 January 2012

Fast ended.

I ended my fast at 38hours with an apple. I weighed in at 57.1 which is 1.6kg / 3.5lbs! I'm pretty happy with that, but I'm regretting ending my fast so I decided to start again. This time I have a partner and the goal is 80hours, let's hope I can make it!
I feel like my Ed is both making my depression worse and better. When I lose weight I have a great day, feeling happy but when I don't I feel horribly depressed and emotional. So I am trying even harder to stay away from food so I can keep losing all this fat!!
Let the games begin!

The fast.

I have now been fasting for over 27 hours, and I'm about to go to bed and sleep for approximately 9 hours, taking my total to atleast 36! Tomorrow is the weigh in! Dum dum DUM! *fingers crossed.

Monday, 9 January 2012

Let the fast begin!

So now I begin my fast. My first one will be 24hours, and then they will increase slowly from here on. Im easing into it to avoid too much suspicion from the family. I'm allowing myself 3cups of black tea a day and plenty of water, I'm so excited! I love fasting and succeeding. Tomorrow I re-weigh in, I think I will be bigger than my starting 59.5, but as much as it grosses me out I know it won't be for much longer!

Saturday, 7 January 2012

Praying for Ana to return

It has been approximately six months since my last post here, and over this time i have been within kgs of reaching my goal and at times the heaviest i have ever been. I sit here now as i think back to when i thought 55.5kg was horrendous, but now at 59.5 I honestly want to die knowing this. Its disgusting. I miss the times when Ana made happy, when I would relate anything and everything to Ana and our way of life. Sitting here now, i pray for Ana to hear my prayers, for her to rescue me from this disgraceful way of life and make me beautiful! Please Ana, I beg you to save me. I promise to never let you go again, we will forever be partners. Please!!