Thursday, 14 July 2011

New start

So today i purchased a new pair of scales, as my old ones were actually apart of the bathroom at the other house. I stood on them about 30 minutes ago and they read: 55.7. I actually could of died! I have just pulled myself together after some tears and decided that this is fine, I can still achieve my goals, i just have an excuse to try and work harder! I'm still very emotional right now, but i haven't eaten yet today, and i don't plan too now that's for sure. I'm taking a break from the 'Skinny girl diet' and instead I'm limiting myself to only fruit and veg, if I'm feeling faint. Other than that i am fasting for as long as i can! I can't believe i am that fat now! Eeewww! Off to walk off this fat ass and hips of mine, I will be back later.

Tuesday, 12 July 2011

Day two - 300 Calories

I started off the day on a fantastic note today. I woke up early, and actually got out of bed early too, got into my morning routine again (which included apple cider vinegar, my vitamins, green tea and a piece of toast with Vegemite) and headed off to work with Fiona Apple in my ears.It was the first day at my new job and i actually loved it. The people seem really nice and the job is pretty simple but fast paced, which is my kinda job. I'm not working until Saturday but the boss seems pretty happy with me so far and he has already mentioned a pay rise, woohoo. Also i worked with food all day and happily smiled as i enjoyed the pains and sounds of beauty coming from within me. I was doing great until I came home and sat down in an empty house because that is when my depression kind of rose to the surface. I have been able to feel it lurking quite a bit lately but i have shoved it back down, locked it up and threw away the key, but it still comes up. Deep breaths. When i get in these kind of mind sets I have to be doing a lot of different things to keep my mind off of it. Today I tried doing the washing, cleaning the house and kitchen, rearranging my bedroom, reading, singing, writing poetry and watching movies all at once pretty much and i had no luck. Which of course means i resorted to food, like a fat idiot. Yuck. Its not like i ate anything super unhealthy or anything but i still ate for the sake of eating, which i hate! I had 1/2 cup of dry light and tasty cereal and a piece of bread with Vegemite and cheese. I have had a few different experiences when it comes to 'purging' but this was unlike any other i have had before. After i had eaten i actually, genuinely felt ill like i was going to vomit. Not just guilty and disgusted actually ill, it was weird but good i guess. Yuck. Anyways a few hours later my sister came home and cooked some dinner and poured us each a glass of wine as she set the table. Just salad and potatoes, and not even many, but i am left feeling ill again and wanting this out of my body. I am just unsure of exactly what i am doing, or how to do it without being caught. I am unsure of my end result of calories today so i am just going to continue tomorrow and move on from today. Tomorrow is a new day, and today is almost over. Ana, please help me!

Monday, 11 July 2011

Day one - 400 Calories

So day one of 'The Skinny Girl Diet' and I am feeling not as optimistic as I had hoped. I feel so fat, I feel as though I ate way too much even though i stuck to the 400 calories. I know for starters that I should eat 'good' calories, things that are at least full of nutrients not just numbers. But oh well, i have learnt my lesson on that account. Today I also managed to have my first alcohol-free day in a while, and believe me the first of many, go me!
2 Tbs Apple cider vinegar (14cal) Green Tea (0cals) Cupcake (105cals)
175ml Apple juice (100)
Green ea (0cal) 1 Tbs diced capsicum (2cal) 1 Tbs diced onion (2cal) 1/2 strip of diced soy bacon (15cal) I medium steamed potato (150cal) Scoop out the contents of the potato and bake the skin in the oven. Mash the potato with no added butter or milk. Fry onion, capsicum and bacon and add to potato, mix well. Put inside potato skin, with a pinch of cheese if desired and grill until the tops are crispy. Yum! 
Total calorie count: 398

The cupcake I regretted but without it I wouldn't have ended up with the calorie count and the apple juice I also regretted but someone else brought it for me so I though I should at least drink some of it. I am loving the fact that I almost always have Fiona Apple (pictured)'s lyrics "Hunger hurts but starving works" from her song 'Paper Bag'. Its an inspiring song and I think some of her other songs may be good too, I will be checking it out later. Her sound is very unique and it took me a couple of times to get used to it, but its a great song to have stuck in your head, as well as 'Hunger Strike' by 'Temple of the Dog'. However once you realise how dedicated you are to Ana, every song becomes relevant to your situation or lifestyle, I have found anyways. Well its the first night in my new house and I sat down with the sister and watched a movie and added a new decor to the blog, which i must say is not the style i would usually go for but I'm liking it. Now I'm sitting here on the couch thinking i should go for a run, but don't know where she keeps her keys, shit! I guess I shall take my vitamins and try to catch some sleep instead, maybe. Goodnight xo

Sunday, 10 July 2011

Today is the day I start my 'Skinny girl diet', which i was extremely excited for but now not so much. This morning i thought I would i would look at some examples but nope, apparently not. I can't handle the thought of eating that much. I have to calm down and try it though! I am starting a new job, moving into a new house and starting a new lifestyle, which Ana is going to be running so i need to just try to do whats best. I know that this idea will work better because of people around me getting concerned so i need to remember this also. Fingers crossed for me please!

Friday, 8 July 2011

My first blogging experience

I have never been one to try anything like this. I have never used twitter or any of those kinds of things but after talking to some other people on 'Pro Ana' forums I thought I would give it a shot. I would love to keep record of my progress and things like that however I don't want to risk my family or friends finding a diary or anything, so a blog is a great compromise.
My story, I am an eighteen year old girl from Adelaide, Australia and I am currently dealing with the starting stones of Anorexia. It all started with a month interstate, a lot of alcohol and a lot of pretty, skinny girls. I put on quite a bit of weight and when I realised I started watching what I was eating. Then about two weeks ago, I looked in the mirror and saw fat, when I sat down I saw rolls over my pant line or a bump under my shirt. I was completely disgusted by this and I actually cried. During the last week of my trip I consciously compared myself and everyone around me to each other, from the size of their legs to their hips and their collar bones. I was again disgusted by how many people could let themselves get so over weight. Food took an immediate path to the door at this point, and I don't want to ever look back. I love and miss the bones that I could see beneath my skin, and I want them back. I have completely dedicated myself to Ana; I live sleep and breathe Ana.