Tuesday, 12 July 2011

Day two - 300 Calories

I started off the day on a fantastic note today. I woke up early, and actually got out of bed early too, got into my morning routine again (which included apple cider vinegar, my vitamins, green tea and a piece of toast with Vegemite) and headed off to work with Fiona Apple in my ears.It was the first day at my new job and i actually loved it. The people seem really nice and the job is pretty simple but fast paced, which is my kinda job. I'm not working until Saturday but the boss seems pretty happy with me so far and he has already mentioned a pay rise, woohoo. Also i worked with food all day and happily smiled as i enjoyed the pains and sounds of beauty coming from within me. I was doing great until I came home and sat down in an empty house because that is when my depression kind of rose to the surface. I have been able to feel it lurking quite a bit lately but i have shoved it back down, locked it up and threw away the key, but it still comes up. Deep breaths. When i get in these kind of mind sets I have to be doing a lot of different things to keep my mind off of it. Today I tried doing the washing, cleaning the house and kitchen, rearranging my bedroom, reading, singing, writing poetry and watching movies all at once pretty much and i had no luck. Which of course means i resorted to food, like a fat idiot. Yuck. Its not like i ate anything super unhealthy or anything but i still ate for the sake of eating, which i hate! I had 1/2 cup of dry light and tasty cereal and a piece of bread with Vegemite and cheese. I have had a few different experiences when it comes to 'purging' but this was unlike any other i have had before. After i had eaten i actually, genuinely felt ill like i was going to vomit. Not just guilty and disgusted actually ill, it was weird but good i guess. Yuck. Anyways a few hours later my sister came home and cooked some dinner and poured us each a glass of wine as she set the table. Just salad and potatoes, and not even many, but i am left feeling ill again and wanting this out of my body. I am just unsure of exactly what i am doing, or how to do it without being caught. I am unsure of my end result of calories today so i am just going to continue tomorrow and move on from today. Tomorrow is a new day, and today is almost over. Ana, please help me!

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