Wednesday, 18 January 2012

Ana Journal ; Day 1

Today is the 18th of January 2012 and is the year to end all years.
This feels kind of strange to me at the moment as i havent writen any kind of journal in quite a while but i thought it was a good time to restart.
Recently i have fell back into, what i call, my blackhoe. My blackhole is a depressive state i tend to fall into quite often. I get depressed to the point where i cant bring myself to leave my bedroom and my sheer hatred for life grows. I often wonder; how is it fair that happy people with loving families and a life to be proud of die, yet i still live? It doesnt make sense to me at all. I hope for death, heck sometimes i even pray for it. However before i die, i want to lose some weight. I refuse to die FAT!
Nine days ago i welcomed Ana back into my life with open arms. Up until then i hadnt realized how much weight i had actually put on. I was at my largest at 59.5kg and through tough regimes i am now 5kg lighter. However that is still not enough to be satisfied with yet. I have re-introduced myself to the Ana world and i am enjoying it even more then last time. I am socialising with other people like me and we all get along because we share a mission. We share goals and secrets with each other. We can tell each other anything, because they are feeling and doing the same things as me. If i was to tell someone else those things i wouldnt be treated the same because they dont understand how much I love Ana, and how much she loves me.
I finally got around to making an Ana bracelet which i wear with pride on my left wrist. I have gone through my ipod list and found that almost any song can be related to Ana if shes in your head loud enough. I love going to the fridge and hearing her say 'No' and reminding me of all the calories that are just waiting to become fat. I love; the feeling of an empty stomach, and the rumbles are no longer painful and annoying, they feel more like a celebration full of applause; watching the numbers on the scale slowly get smaller and smaller; feeling my clothes get slightly baggy and i love the feeling of saying no. To me Ana is about control. Its not just becoming thin, its having the control to be thin. Im not so bothered about actually losing weight, its knowing that i have the strength to do what many others cant. The big wide world can be a scary place for anyone. Its full of unpredictability and so may unknowns. However in Ana's world it doesnt matter, the only thing that does is staying strong against disgusting habits and proving that you have what it takes to call her a friend. Some people think her rules are tough and unhealthy but i dont see it that way. She only speaks the truth. She doesnt make things up or twist things around she just helps you become more aware of the things around you and how they affect your body. The hardest thing about Ana has nothing to do with cravings or hunger, its about keeping her secret and not letting anyone know what we are doing.
I have been fasting for almost 6 hours, and my goal this time is to reach 80hours. Its going to be tough but im just going to pretend im going out for dinner with friends and make some mess in the kitchen every now and then to keep people off my back.  During a fast I allow myself tea and coffee as they are good for your metabolism, and sometimes as a treat i allow myself diet sodas.
Im also making a thinsp book which keeps my mind busy and inspires me to keep in control.
I have been getting really bad cramps the last few days so i havent been excercising as much as i know i should but to help things along im restricting my water consumption and i moved my whole room around, which was pretty exhausting in itself.
Well that was my first journal entry, of many im  sure.
Now time for another coffee and a smoke :)
Chao for now xx

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