Friday, 20 January 2012

Ana journal; Day 3

Friday 20th of January 2012
I know that its not even half way through the day but i felt like typing up something, so why not my journal.
Its is now 12:17pm which means that i have been fasting for 51 hours and 17 minutes, and therefore there is 28 hours and 43 minutes to go until i reach my last fasting record. This time I am using certain techniques to make it seem, to the people around me, that im eating insteading of just acting ill like i used to. Yesterday i cooked a big meal of pasta and seperated it into multiple containers so that its easy to just heat up and take it into my room. A few mintues ago i scooped out a bunch of it into a bowl and added it to my hoarding bag, i left a little bit in the bowl and placed it by the sink so that my granparents think i have eaten. I feel kind of bad about wasting the food but i cant make myself eat any of it. Food in general repulses me. The only things that are tempting nowadays are all fruits that are in my fridge. There is watermelon, pineapple, rockmelon, apples, nectarines and peaches. YUM.
But i WILL NOT give in, I WILL NOT let Ana down. She has helped me get this far already i can not give up. Its kind of strange but i cant even really imagine giving up. This is my lifestyle. A life without food is so satisfying and rewarding. Its exciting to know that i am able to achieve things that many others cant. I am, however, still feeling extremely far away from my next goal, which is 110lbs and 10lbs away from now.
I was pretty diappointed that I didnt get my exercise bike yesterday, unfortuantely i have to wait until monday. I wonder if i can fast until i get it.. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED! ;D HOW EXCITING!! Woop, woop!
On another happy not I have a new friend on Twitter, her name is Fayth and she is lovely. We talk online for ages about all the tricks and secret things we do. Its weird that someone so far away and so different to me can actually be really similar. Its nice to have someone that actually understands what im going through. Its not easy, you know. I hate lying to and decieving my family and friends. Its not something i would ever do, especially to such extremes but i cant help it. I cannot risk having Ana disappear from my life again. I am nothing without her, and even if life was good without Ana i still wouldnt want it. I love how content i am when shes around. Im having so much trouble with my psychologists at the moment, they keep shifting me from person to person, but thank god no one has mentioned my weight. I refuse to mention any thing of Ana to them because i know they will try to take her away from me. I know that lots of people hate Ana and what she does to people, but i dont. She is the only thing that keeps me going, keeps me alive each day. I hate waking up each day, i hate acting like everything in my head is all better and that i am happy because the truth is im not. I think of death everyday, multiple times a day. I think of how great nothingness would be, how i wouldnt feel pain or depressed. I would just be .. gone.
I hope this remains secret because i would be locked back up in a mental ward for sure if someone read this. But I dont even care, as long as i have Ana and my Ana sisters by my side, i will be happy, well as happy as i can get in this hell hole they call 'Earth'.
Even though the numbers on the scales are going down i dont feel as though i look any different. I still have a bulging belly, no thigh gap and no visable hip bones. Hopefull after this fast i will be able to notice a change, but so far i see nothing. Yuck, i wish losing weight could give me a beautiful face, but no matter how skinny i get i will still be stuck with this ugly one.
Anyway, thats my little entry for the day. It only took me an hour to type it, haha. Im currently waiting for the gardener to mow the back lawn then im headed to the library to use the net and look for some thinspiring books. I cant wait. I love reading about Ana, I love watching shows about Ana and i love listening to music about Ana. My life doesnt revolve around her, my life is Ana!
Thanks again for reading my blabbing :)

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